Cruisin' USA
by dead drifter
Summary: crack!Akatsuki. Sir Leader thinks it’s about time that everyone in Akatsuki learns how to drive! Featuring school bus hijackings, transvestite hookers, hit and runs, a professional drunk driving course, grand theft auto, sexual harassment and MORE!


**Cruisin' USA **

**Chapter 1: Let's Hit the Road!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Buick, Dodge, Kmart or anything else. I wish I owned Pledge, damn it, I really do, but alas…I don't. (sigh)**

"**Give me fuel, give me fire, give me that which I desire!" -Metallica  
**

vvvvvvrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom (vroom vroom!)

"Alright, everyone. Family meeting," Pein called from behind his newspaper.

Sir Leader was sitting in his favorite easy chair in the living room when an amazing idea dawned on him.

The other members started filing into the living room, crowding on the couch, sitting on the love seat or perching themselves on an armrest or the coffee table. Hidan crawled into the room like a zombie that'd been shot several times in the knees, as he'd been smashing his legs with the mallet again in his sacrificial chamber AKA the second bathroom no one was allowed to use.

"God damn it, Hidan!" Kakuzu growled, picking the Jashinist up and throwing him on the purple bean bag chair they'd gotten Tobi for his birthday.

"Fuck you!" Hidan managed to howl, before blacking out from the pain.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes and sat on the love seat. Konan sat down on the love seat too, keeping as far away from the old man as possible.

"Okay. Now, it has come to my attention that some of you do not have valid driver's licenses," Pein said, looking pointedly at the younger members.

"Hey, if they'd never invented the breathalyzer, I'd still have mine!" Kakuzu retorted, crossing his arms angrily.

Pein blinked.

"Um…I meant the members who don't have a license at all. Not those of us with a suspended…"

"Ouch!" Kakuzu yelled as Konan threw a paper plane kunai at him.

"You shouldn't be drinking and driving in the first place!"

"God damn, woman, I only had a few drinks!"

"He's a fucking fully fledged alcoholic piece of dog shit!" Hidan grumbled, waking up long enough to curse his partner. The priest turned to Kakuzu, flicked him off, and then passed out again on the purple bean bag chair.

"We're getting off the subject!" Pein yelled, silencing everyone.

Deidara, who'd been laughing, snickered into his hand. It bit him, and he snickered into his fist instead.

"Anyway, I've decided that Tobi, Deidara, Hidan, Itachi and Konan will all learn how to drive and get valid driver's licenses, to better serve this organization."

"Huh? Why do I need a license? You always take me wherever I want to go…" Konan said, folding up another paper plane kunai in case Kakuzu decided to seek revenge for the first one she hit him with.

"Because women should be independent. What if I die? All six of me? What would you do then? Walk?"

"I'd sprout paper wings and fly, jack ass," Konan said with a smirk. Pein scratched his head.

"True…but what if you go shopping and you can't carry all of your things? What then?"

Konan nodded, clearly thinking.

"Ah…you have a point."

"Hey, what about Danna, un!" Deidara said.

"I will consider it when Sasori kicks his drug habit," Pein said. Sasori threw his Pledge can at Leader's head.

Pein narrowed his rippled eyes.

"I'd like to learn how to drive too! That's not fair!" the puppet said angrily.

"Alright, alright! We'll see," Pein said, rubbing at the red knot on his head.

"Ah…I could drive to Konoha and visit my foolish little brother," Itachi said coldly, not looking up from his Nintendo DS.

Kisame glanced nervously at Sir Leader.

"Er, Leader-sama, who's going to teach all of them?"

Pein smiled.

"Well, me, you and Kakuzu of course."

"Hey, papa!" Tobi said from the floor, raising his hand as if he were in elementary school.

"Yes, Tobi? And stop calling me 'papa.' I'm not your daddy."

"Okay, daddy, um…what about Zetsu-san? He's not even in here!"

"Er…I have no problem with Zetsu driving…but he has no arms," Pein said slowly, glancing nervously out the window as if expecting to see that black and white face pressed to the glass, gold eyes gleaming ominously.

"Aw…my poor Zu Zu!" Tobi cried, kicking at the purple bean bag chair. Hidan jerked awake.

"Son of a…what the fuck are you doing, basketball head?"

"Hidan, have you ever driven a car before?" Kakuzu asked his partner. Hidan blinked.

"What? Hell no. Operating a heathen machine is against my religion! Seriously!"

Kakuzu sighed.

"Hidan, _everything_ is against your religion. Your religion _sucks_."

"You fucking suck _cock_, you heathen money whoring old bastard!"

"SHUT UUUUUUP!" Konan roared at the top of her voice, and everyone went quiet again. Deidara's visible blue eye widened. He wasn't laughing _this_ time.

"Thank you," Konan said sweetly, now on her fifth paper plane kunai. Kakuzu eyed the origami weapons warily.

"As I was saying…Kisame, Kakuzu and I will be your instructors. Unfortunately, we only have two vehicles, the van and Kisame's Buick, so we'll just have to all take turns. Alright? Now, everyone get your shoes on. We're going to cruise the USA!"

"Huh? Who's USA?" Tobi asked. Deidara started snorting with laughter again.

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Kisame, Itachi, Sasori and Deidara were in the car, while everyone else was piled into the van.

For safety reasons, Kisame and Pein drove, heading for a nice big open parking lot for practice.

It was raining after all, and wet roads were NOT a good idea for newbie drivers.

When they'd turned into an old Kmart lot that was only half flooded from all the rain and melting snow (it was a January heat wave), they parked in the middle of the wide expanse of wet cement and everyone got out.

"Now, who wants to go first?"

Tobi shot his hand up while Deidara said "Un!"

Deidara glared at the masked moron. Pein nodded, however.

"Good! Deidara, have Kisame show you the ropes. Tobi, come with me. Everyone else, either hop in for the ride, or stay the hell out of the way!"

Everyone scrambled into a car except the plant man. Zetsu wandered over to the side of the road to chat up a pine tree.

"**Hey….'sup,"** Zetsu said. The pine tree sort of drooped. Zetsu nodded.

"_Oh, I'm sorry to hear that…"_

"That overgrown weed is out of his fucking mind," Hidan said, watching Zetsu talk to the tree from the safety of the van. Well, the van wasn't really THAT safe. After all, Tobi was the one getting into the driver's seat.

Pein, who got shotgun, summoned a clip board and pulled a candy cane pen out of his cloak pocket.

"Now, Tobi, before you even turn the key, make sure you adjust your mirrors so that you can see out of them."

Tobi scratched the top of his head.

"Okay…." Tobi said slowly and stared at the windshield.

"Um…I think this mirror is broken…"

"Oh my fucking Jashin…" Hidan said, rolling his eyes.

Konan puffed on her cigarette in silence.

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"Let's hit the road, un!"

Kisame handed the keys to his Buick Century to Deidara, but he didn't let go. That old beauty was almost as dear to him as his Samehada. Deidara tugged at the keys, and finally grabbed hold of the shark nin's hand and bit him with his palm.

"Ouch, you little brat!" Kisame howled, pulling his hand away.

Deidara grinned, uttered a triumphant "Un!" and got in the driver's seat. He gripped the steering wheel and looked at the controls with curiosity.

"I drove one of those electric toy jeep things once when I was eight, un! Is this kind of like that?"

"Uh…I wouldn't know. Just, put the key in the ignition, and turn it to start the car…" Kisame said, pointing helpfully. Deidara looked to the right of the steering wheel and did as he was told flawlessly.

"Un! Now let's go!" Deidara yelled, shifting into drive and flooring it before Kisame could even buckle himself in.

"Jesus Christ!" Kisame screamed, fumbling with his belt.

Itachi and Sasori, who were in the back, exchanged a bored look, then the Uchiha sighed resignedly and turned his shark porn magazine sideways.

Deidara turned the steering wheel randomly, cackling with glee.

"This is almost as good as art, un!" Deidara yelled, narrowly missing the van, which was doing donuts around a leaning light pole.

"Deidara, stop! Brake, brake!" Kisame shrieked, his teeth sunk into the glove compartment in an attempt to keep himself from flying into the windshield.

"Break, un? Okay!" Deidara said, and promptly snapped off the steering wheel. He looked to Kisame, foot still pushing the gas pedal into the floor, that shit eating grin plastered on his face.

Kisame's little white eyes bulged.

"Why the hell did you do that! I meant use the brake pedal, jack ass!"

"Oh, un! You mean the OTHER pedal? Un!"

While still keeping his right foot on the gas, he moved his left foot over the brake pedal.

"No no no! Take your foot OFF the gas! ONLY use the brake pedal, God damn it!" Kisame howled.

"Un!"

The car screeched to a halt right before Dei hit a skater boy, and everyone lurched in their seats. Well, actually, Itachi, the suicidal little bastard, hadn't been wearing a seat belt, so he flew forward, hitting his head hard on Kisame's seat and breaking his nose.

"Ow…" Itachi said nasally, and fell back into his seat, dribbling blood all over the naughty bits of the featured nude shark man on page 15 of Itachi's porno mag.

Kisame hissed in pain and plucked a tooth out of his mouth.

"Is everyone alright?" the shark nin asked, twisting to look in the back. Sasori was gripping his old rusted can of Pledge from 1937 so hard his joints were cracking. No harm done to the puppet. Kisame turned to check on Itachi.

The Uchiha looked stonily to the shark, who paled upon seeing his partner's bloody nose.

"Oh my God, Itachi-san, are you _okay_?"

The shark managed to climb in the back (not bothering to tell Deidara to put the car in park) and pulled a large Akatsuki themed hanky from his pocket. He dabbed at Itachi's nose, shaking his head and tsking.

While the shark tended to his weasel (why does that sound so dirty?), Deidara shifted into neutral and tried to screw the steering wheel back on.

"Un…stupid…thing…uuun!" Deidara grunted. He heard beeping and looked up. The blond glanced into his rearview mirror and the horror that he saw speeding towards him made his one visible blue eye widen…

**vvvvvvrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom**


End file.
